NUTHIN'.

So get to boilin' bitches.  Seriously, if you still buy that yellow tinged tasteless shit from The Market STOP IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  Do we even know WHY it's yellowish??   I don't fucking think so Batman.  YARG.

Here's what you need.

5 LB Bag o'taters.  I like red ones, but you could use Yukon Golds, or regular old white taters.  What ever floats your boat, or you happen to have handy.  Even if they're slightly mushy.  If you can squeeeeze em and they seem to be growing weird green sticky things out of them like bug legs they are still ok, not optimal, but ok.  Just cut off the bug legs first huh? 
1 Big Ass Vidallia.  For the uninitiated, that's an onion dummy.  Geez.....
1 Celery heart in a bag.
1/2 to 3/4 container of MIRACLE WHIP.  Put the 'Salad Dressing' or 'Maaaaayyyyyyyooooooonnaaaaaiiiiise' away.  They are bland and oily and down right GROSS. 
Salt
Peppa
Old Bay *****CRITICAL SEASONING
Celery Seed ****CRITICAL SEASONING

Possible Additions that are tasty
Broccoli
Cheese chunks
Sweet Relish
Hard Boiled Eggs
Toasted Walnut Garnish
Toasted Almond Slivers
Bacon Bits as a garnish or mixed in.  *droooool*
Shredded Carrots
Dry Powdered Ranch Dressing
Honey for just a touch of sweetness.


Start at least one day ahead.  This is an easy project but time consuming.  And it's better if it sits over night and those tasty taters get to soak up all that flaaaaaaavor.

Rip open the bag of taters next to your sink and get out a colander.
Give em a rinse and with a paring knife cut out the eyes (bug legs) Black Spots and Gouges.  Pop em in the colander.  No need to skin em, the skin is good for you.  Did you know you burn more calories digesting the skin because it's more fibrous and it takes your body more work to turn it into poop? 

No Shit.

*Crickets*........ Guess that wasn't as funny as I thought.  Moving on......

Get your big pot.  Fill it with COLD water, remember to compensate for the amount of taters you are putting in there.  Starchy water is a bitch when it's burnt to your stove.  Salt it generously.  Now Chop your raw taters into average sized bits.  No need to be perfect.  Just get em all about the same size and small enough to fit in your mouth. 

As you chop, toss em in the water.  Once you're done and they are all swimming together lid that bitch.  Turn the heat ALL THE WAY UP and let her rock and roll.  Once it starts to boil slide the lid to the side so there is an air gap of about 1/2 inch.  That should help prevent boil over.  Remember to give em a swish every own and again and have a fork handy.  We're about to stab some bitches.

While those are getting all hot and smushy we need to do some chopping!

Get your Vidallia out and give it a nice sized dice.  I like big bits in my tater salad.  Do the same with your celery.  If your doing broccoli's now would be the time. 



*NOTE.  Please.  I know most of you aren't IDIOTS.  Please don't use frozen broccolis.  Think before you thaw ok?  They will be mushy and probably slimy.  Use fresh you lazy fuck, it's not that difficult to chop up.  Make sure to chop it into smaller bite size bites ok?  No Tater mountains or giant broccoli trees are necessary in this.  It's not play food and we will not make Devil's Tower.

(Name the Movie)

After about 10 minutes start poking your taters with a fork.  When the tater bite slides off the fork before it's out of the water they are done.  Straiiiin those babies and run some COLD water on em.    Let them sit and drip for 10 minutes or so, then toss em back in the pot and put it in the fridge.  Now walk away.

Watch 2 Tv Sitcoms, or most of a movie.  Once the tater bites are nice and chilled, and not just the out side ones we can start ze miiiixingK.

Pull your pot outta the Frigidaire.  Dump in Celeries, Onjions, and 1/2 jar of MIRACLE WHIP. 





IF YOU USE MAYO YOU HAVE RUUUUUUIIIIINED IT.  NO LONGER FOOD.  THROW IT A-WAY!

That, in other words, is a Giant Fail Whale.

Give it a stir, careful.  Don't mash em.  You don't want mashed taters instead of tater salad.  If it's not moist enough for you add some more MIRACLE WHIP and stir, do this until you get the moisture level where you want it.  You can always add more tomorrow, and may have to.  Them taters are thirsty!  Now, add your salt, pepper, Old Bay and Celery Seed.  Start with a Teaspoon of each as work up from there. 

Pleeeeeease taste your food.  Please?  You can't judge the salt level without tasting your food.

That's it home-slice.  You just made better than average, show stopping, bowl emptying tater salad.

Don't you feel like a jerk off for buying that store bought crap now?  BTW.  Don't bother to try and spice it up.  It sucks worse when you do that.  Trust me.

That's what I thought.