Anyway, you need to make up a batch of their flour mix.  I used this time Oat Flour, Quinoa Flour and potato flour.  I'm pretty sure I should be using potato starch instead of potato flour but thats ok.  I'll try that next time.

What is Paleo you ask?  WELL!  Let me tell you!  It’s a lifestyle change (Don’t say DIET.  People get upset.) where you cut out grains, sugars, salt.  Basically anything a Paleolithic man wouldn’t have access too.  Those crackers you love?  Totally out.  Forget cheese.  No cave man was making cheese when he wasn’t busy hunting or beating his cave mate.  Beans?  Not a chance Ese.  And bread…. And pasta…. Are never more yours….

Lean meats? Check.  Not bacon.

Seafood? CHECK!

Fruits and Veggies? Absolutely!

I know, I know, it seems restricting.  AND!  There are more requirements.  It would ideally like you to eat as organically, locally, non-hormone, no antibiotic, free range as possible.  I know it seems very fru fru.  TRUST ME.  And costly!  Oh, so costly.  Once you start building up the staples of the diet it’s less painful than you’d think.  There are several options for frozen Organic veggies.  I shop for meat at my Local Farm.  If you’re lucky you can find a local farm that does all organic, grass fed beef and no antibiotic, no hormone chickens.  I am very lucky and I know it.  (They have Raw Milk too, but I’m a’scared of it.  They say it is delicious but can make you sicky sick sick.  Does anyone ever wonder who decided that we should drink cow milk after we were weaned?  How’d that conversation go??  Wow, that’s playing out in my head and I’m not sure I like it….)  

I am hoping to either Co-op this summer at a local organic place or buy more at our farmers market and try my hand at freezing and canning local stuff to save on costs.  If it works out (or if it doesn’t) I’m sure I’ll be filling you all in!  I really kind of wish for a larger apartment, or at least one with a few more closets so I had more space for food!  As it is I am commandeering my jacket closet for a pantry.  If you’re lucky I’ll take pics, if you’re unlucky I won’t organize it first!  I have considered putting another shelf unit in my storage space for canned goods but going 4 floors for a can of beans seems a wee bit ridiculous.  Plus, they’ll be hard to explain the next time we go to move.  

Hey Kasia, how come you have enough canned veggies for the apocalypse??

Ummmmmmmmmmm………………… they’re organic?

Almost sounds like I am turning Mormon and storing food for the next 3 years doesn’t it?  I know I am sounding more and more crazy.  Trust me.  I know.  You should see my selection of flours that aren’t actually Flour….. Or my cook book collection!  But hey, if the Zombie apocalypse happens I’ll know how to cook with a wood stove, how to make bread and how to preserve food!  People will wanna hang out then huh??  

Once I master canning, And Damnedable Bread it’ll be on to meat.  Hopefully I have a few years because yeast bread and me aren’t friends yet.  As a matter of fact I kinda hate yeast and its persnickety nature.

WOW.  This has turned into the rambelings of a potential crazy person!  Anyway, Hoiw about a Paleo Meatloaf recipe?  It’s pretty tasty.

Meatloaf.  So easy a Caveman can do it.

1 container mushrooms.  I like Baby bellas.

½ White or Spanish onion

1 Small Bunch Celery

1 Egg

2 lbs Beef

1 Small bottle of Red wine.  (one of the 4 packs)

Pepper

1 TBS Oregano

1 TBS Parsley

1 TBS Basil

1 TBS Sage

1 TBS Rosemary

You can use fresh herbs in place of the dried; just use about ½ the amount.

Preheat your oven to 350

Chop the mushrooms and onion to a fine dice.  Add a dollop of olive oil to a large skillet and heat it to medium.  Toss in the mushrooms and unions and sauté them for a few minutes.  Add half your spices and the whole bottle of red wine.  Give them a swirl with a wooden spoon and cook them down until they are nice and soft.  I personally like to strain them at this point.  Some people will say you’re missing a lot of flavor, which is true but I don’t like sloppy wet meat, especially since I don’t bake this is a loaf pan.  I use a rectangle cake pan that way all the sides get cooked and just drape a piece of tin foil over the top so all the good juice don’t escape.

Once your mushrooms and onions have cooled off enough to handle dump that in with the beef, and chop up the celery to suit.  I just gave it a rough dice but if you want it more incorporated go ahead and dice it as fine as you’d like.   Toss the celery in, the rest of the spices and the egg.  Mix it together with your hands.  Yes, get your sissy little girl hands in there and mix it up.  Make sure to take all rings and bracelets off unless you’d like to spend the time while this is cooking fishing raw meat out of them.

Plop this mix onto your pan and shape.  I like to make it about 2 inches thick and a rectangle.  Work with your pan so it’s not touching any of the sides.  Once  it’s the shape you want it to be (seriously, you could make animal shapes if you really wanted) tin foil it loosely and pop it in the oven.  Walk away for 40 minutes or so.  You can use a meat thermometer to test to make sure it’s done, but I can tell you, it is.  Pull it out of the oven and carefully remove it from the pan leaving all the juice.  I made gravy with mine.  I used a packaged organic brown gray mix that did the trick in a hurry.  If you want you could just use cornstarch.  Either way make sure to bring it to a boil so it thickens.  And that’s it!  Paleo Meatloaf.  I roasted some carrot sticks and had a salad on the side for a filling paleo dinner.  

Now, who has had REAL Red Velvet Cake?  Noooo, real red velvet cake.  I haven't yet been able to find a good recipe with the beets (oooooooh but I will, have nooooo doubt) but I did do one from scratch that was pretty fantastic.  Exceprt, did you know Sifting sucks?  It DOES!  2 1/4 cup of Cake flour and 1 1/12 cup of sugar plus incidentals?  THATS AN ASS TON OF SIFTING.  Just Sayin'.  I'm gonna give you the recipe anyway.  It's a good impressor for other people with just a bunch of stuff but pretty simple to assemble.  You just need to start At Least one day ahead.  Minimum.

Now because the Cheesecake needs to be made a day ahead, that recipe first.  I have a bunch of different recipes that I use depending on the kind of cheesecake I want.  For this it's Ricotta.  You need a good, heavy cake.  New York Style.

Turn your oven on to 350.

 

1 3/4 Bar of Cream Cheese

1 1/2 Cups of Sugar (I always double the sugar.  Something My Dunk taught me)

2 TBS Vanilla

1/2 Tub Of Ricotta.  Whole Milk Please,  People.  We're not making a "Light" desert here.

1/2 Teaspoon Lemon Juice

2 Large Eggs

Pinch of salt

Line the bottom of your spring form pan with Parchment paper since you won't be using a crust.  POur your cheesecake mix in and give it a leeeeetle wiggle to even it out.

Get out a deep roaster and pop a cookie rack in the bottom.  Pour in enough water to coat the bottom of the pan.  Loosely wrap your cheesecake bottom in foil and place on top of the rack.  That's supposed to help with cracking, personally I think it helps not smoke up the kitchen as liquid drips out the bottom of the spring form and doesn't burn on the bottom of the oven.  

I usually bake for at least an hour depending on how thick the cake is.  Being so thin i did just over an hour until the middle wasn't all liquid and shut the heat off.  You may be against me on this since EGGS!  Cream Cheese!!!  Ricotta!!  POISON! but I leave it in the oven over night to set.  Yes, overnight.  With out refrigeration.  In the Oven!  OHHH NOEEEEES!!  First thing in the morning I tossed it in the fridge and waited at least 4 hours.  After that I put it in the freezer.  You'll want it nice and solid for removal and placement on the cake part.  OOOOh yeeeeeah here come the goods!

The Cake.  Please don't go buy a red velvet mix.  PLEASE??  It's just not the same.  Plus you'll feel better when people are telling you how good your cake is if you made it from scratch.  Trust me.  Plus, if you're really an ass (Like me) you can tell them YOU MADE IT FROM SCRATCH and they get more impressed!  Impressive, no??

2 1/2 Cups Cake Flour.  Yes, CAKE FLOUR.  It's important.  (There's a substitute I'll give you at the end)

1 1/2 Cups Sugar

1 Tsp Baking Soda

1 Tbsp Cocoa powder (Hershey's works fine)

1 Tsp Salt

2 Eggs

1 1/2 Cup Vegi Oil.  NO SUBSTITUTIONS PLEASE.  THIS IS NOT HEALTH FOOD.  FUCK YOUR APPLESAUCE.

1 Cup Buttermilk  (If you don't have it but have regular milk I'll show you how to make buttermilk.)

1 Entire Tube Red Gel Food Color (I know it's not beets.  I want that recipe but haven't found it yet!)

1 TBS White Distilled Vinegar

Frosting:  As always I use Cream Cheese Frosting.  Just in this instance I do a crumb coat first of thinner icing so the red cake isn't all up in the shit.  Nice Clean Frosting is what you want here.

Thinner frosting:

1 1/2 Bricks of Cream Cheese

Powder Sugar to taste

1 TBS of Vanilla

Heavy cream, Milk or half and half for a thinner.  You want a slightly runnier frosting for the crumb coat so you don't peel that pretty pretty red cake into it.  Mmmmmmm...........

(Once you've crumb coated you can just toss in more sugar and more bricks of cream cheese and vanilla to make thicker frosting.  Just try not to transfer crumbs back to the bowl when crumb coating)

I made my cakes the same night as my Cheesecake too. It's not necessary though.  

Heat oven to 350.

Sift together flour, sugar, baking soda, cocoa, and salt into a medium bowl.  It takes forever I know but don't skimp!  It's Necessary.  

In another bowl beat together Eggs, Oil, Buttermilk, Food Color (Careful!  It stains!), and vinegar in a large bowl until well combined.  Add dry ingredients a little at a time so you don't have a dust cloud and mix until well combined.

Divide batter between two 9inch (greased & floured/non stick/ whatev) pans and bake 25 to 30 minutes.  Your toothpick will never come out of these cakes clean.  If they do, throw the cakes away, you've over cooked them dummy.  

Take them out and let them cool for 5 or 10 minutes then pop em out of their pans and let them cook on racks.  Check leveling and trim if necessary.

When I was researching the cake I kept coming across these things called Cake Strips.  People said they make the cakes Flat.  FLAT.  Flat cakes.  As in I don't have to trim the tops off and lose precious cakey goodness??  I'd try 'em!

Ya know what?

THEY WORK!  I don't know how, I think it's magic, but they do!  Flat cakes for the first time ever.  I was in heaven!  

I assembled my cake after the cheesecake was frozen and after I had chilled my cake cake.  

Take your first layer of Red Velvet Cake and plop it down on your cake tray.  Make sure to get it centered, there are no do overs.  Next comes the cheesecake.  Now a 9inch spring-form is the same size as a cake pan, but cake shrinks and pulls away from the edge ever so much and makes the cake and cheesecake not line up absolutely proper.  You have options here.  You can opt to trim the cheesecake or fill it with icing.  Either way.

Once you get the top layer on you can crumb coat it and pop it back in the fridge.  I finished mine once it was no longer tacky, but if I was making a presentation cake I'd have waited 4 hours or more before I frosted the final coat.

If you frost in while the cheesecake is still frozen and want to serve it soon, leave it on the counter for 2 hours or so, the cheesecake thaws fairly quickly.  So far I've got rave reviews!  Hopefully you will too!!

On the fourth of july…..

Cuz I’m cool like that.  I’m an enabler.  It’s what I do.

Don’t come near me if you’re on a diet, I’m a Ruiner, with a Capitol R.

Now, I usually make a Orange Dreamsicle cake if I’m trying to show off, but being the Fourth of July and all I thought I’d take a stab at a Strawberry Sunday Crunch Bar cake.  Make that a layer cake.  With macerated strawberries in the middle and frosting.  Mmmm….. Sounds yummy.  Lets get to it!

1 White Box Cake Mix.  From such humble beginnings comes a masterpiece….

1 Box Cheesecake pudding mix

1Small Box Strawberry Jell-o mix

2 Large Boxes Fresh Strawberries

Sugar

Frosting:

4 Philly Cream Cheese's

Most of a Bag of Powdered sugar

Cheese Cake Pudding Mix

Milk or Half and Half

Make a regular old white cake.  Box cake is fine.  Make it according to direction, or add some Cheesecake pudding powder, or more vanilla.  I’m going to.    I’m using two 8 inch cake pans.

Once it comes out of the oven (while it’s still warm) take a toothpick and poke tiny little holes everywhere!  All over the cake!  Mix your strawberry jell-o with hot water and pour it over both of the cakes.  Now cool in the a’fridgabator over night.  You’ll want them nice and set when they come out of the pan.

Move down, move down!  Next seat! Next seat!

Make sure your cream cheese’s are out getting warmed up for the mixing that’s going to happen!  That, my dears, is very important. Cold cream cheese is a bitch to mix!

About an hour before you want to start assembling your cake get your berries out of the fridge and clean them up.  Slice one container of them how ever you want and toss them. into a bowl.  Sprinkle them with sugar to get them breaking down really well.  The other box will be used for decorating the top so clean those and do what you will with them!

After about 30 minutes give the sugared strawberries a good mash with a tater masher.  Just break them down a bit and re-sugar those bad boys.  MMmmmmm……. Sugared strawberries…..

Now get your cakes out of the a’fridgabator.  Get the bottom layer out of it’s pan, it should be reeeeeally heavy.  Full of jell-o!  Now, here’s the question.  Do you take a knife and flatten your cake?  Just level it off or leave it all roundy and bulbous, as if it were pregnant??  Flip a coin!

Take the strawberries you macerated and pour them on the bottom layer of the cake!  MMMMMM……  Now, carefully!  Spread frosting over the strawberries.  I know, this part is tough.  Have patients and perseverance!  YOU CAN DO EEET!!  Now, gently settle the top layer on the frosting and give a gentle smoosh to settle the cake.  Again, do you level??  I am just so torn on the subject!  Make it Beeeyyyooooteful??  Or don’t waste all that cake?

Now give it a good frost with your icing and decorate it how ever you’d like!  Mmmmmm……….!

I mean, I would want to know if I was in your shoes..............

I would want to be told.......... 

The Truth............... 

The Whole Truth.....................

The Honey Mustard glazed chicken reheated so well.  It needed more sauce though, So next time I'll double the sauce and maybe supplement the liquid with OJ.  You could even make a pan sauce the next day with chicken stock.  But it definitely needed more Juice.

The Capt put Sriracha on his and his eyes rolled back in his head.  He said it was like sweet and sour chicken, but better.

So, really, make this chicken.  Eat it.  MMmmmmm gggahahahahaaaa droooooooooolllll!

Double Chocolate Espresso Cookies

Did you die yet?  mmmmmm I think I did.  Here we gooooooo!

1 Cup Flour

1/2 Cup Unsweetened Dutch-Processed Cocoa 

( I don't know what all that means.  I used Nestle's Toll House Cocoa.  Perfect for Baking!  I know because it says so on the box!)

1/2 teaspoon Baking Power

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 Cup Buttah (1 stick), Room Temp.  It Is Important People!

1 1/2 Cup White Sugar

2 Large (Not extra Large or Medium) eggs, AGAIN!  Room Temp!!

1 Teaspoon Vanilla

1 Tablespoon Espresso Powder (I used Starbucks Extra Bold Instant Coffee Packets.) 

8 Oz Bitter Sweet Chocolate (4 Oz Melted, 4 Oz Chopped)

** The Directions Came Directly from Martha Steward's Web Site.  I absolutely always follow all directions.

Well, I try to when baking.  It's less like creating and more like Science.

I made a double batch and in the second half I tossed in some chopped pecans.  Mmmmm....... they were delicious!  

MMMmmmmmmm......................

Did you know they fight back?  Really!  They don't scream so much but they kick like hell when you put em in the pot!

So The Capt's student brought them back from Maine for us.  Fresh out of the water this morning.  They are FEISTY.

So you get the Lostrocities out of the box and rinse em off in the sink.  Clip the rubber bands off their big ass pinchers.  Watch your fingers.

Heat up your largest pot full of water.  They need to be fully submerged.  Once it's boiling take some tongs and put the LIVE lobstrocities in the water face first.  Kills em quicker that way.  

Watch!  They thrash a bit!

Cook them for 16 to 18 minutes. Then pop em into a strainer to cool.

Deeeeelish!

The Big claw legs and the tail are really all you eat.  Make sure to have a hammer or some crackers near by, those claws are tough to break!!

What could be better?

Get out a big ass pan.  I like my cast iron pan for this.

Take 5 or so strips of bacon and cook em up.  Nice and crisp. Pop them out of the pan on some paper towels.  Toss in your fresh green beans with a hunk of butter and liberally salt them with kosher salt and fresh cracked black pepper.  

Toss them around and get them good and coated.  Lid that pretty pan, watching to make sure they don't burn.   Toss them occasionally.  after about 5 minutes get them off the heat and let them wilt.  

Thats it!

Put them in a serving dish and check for saltiness.  Add if necessary.  You could even toast some almond slivers for garnish.

I bet it's be good with carrots... or broccoli raab... or shard..... Mmmmmm..........

Well let me just fix that for you.  I'm going to give you the very bestest taters I know how to make, and man are they versatile.  I stole the base recipe from PW.  She cooks tasty shit.

So you take a bag of those sweet little red baby taters and check them over for bad bits.  Once they're all cleaned up just lay them out on a baking sheet an pop them in the oven at 350 till they're nice and soft.

Once they're soft take your tater masher and make them flat.  Chop up whatever herbs you happen to have, I like rosemary.  Take a stick of butter.  Top all those delicious flat tater s with a hunk of butter, sprinkle some herbs on top with kosher salt.

Crank your heat up to 450 and toss them back in to the oven until they are nice and crisp.  Mmmmmm....

You can roast some garlic and mix that in the butter if you want.  Roasted Garlic flat taters.......

or .....

Use Thyme........

Or cheese.........  mmmmmm........ parm would be wonderful...................

Or mix some herbs in some sour cream and top them with that.....